somethings about me just aren't in common with anyone in my family.  they all like parties it seems and being around all those people like it's fun.  (i think both my grampas are/were like me though) i think i have that thing i learned about in psychology class about being affraid to be around people.  i don't think it's like it is completely in the definition, but like all the people i know like being around a lot of people sometimes, it just doesn't work for me a lot.  i wish it wasn't like that, like i'm the bum of it all.  i guess it's getting better, going to Arabica with Nicole was a step closer to not being so bad.  part of it is i guess it's just hard to be able to concentrate on more than one person at a time.  i'm not very good at it all the time.  i don't even know what the feeling is really, i can't explain.  it just seems like everyone else is so open to eachother, i wish i was like that.  i guess i have a start, i just don't know how good i'm doing.  i do ok at times.  sometimes i just feel out of place.  like i don't belong to any of those groups of people.  i can hang out with almost anyone and be cool with them, but i feel out of place non the less.  i'm too tense, lol.  definatly too tense for a coffee shop, lol, everyone was laid back sorta.  Nicole called me a Metal Head, lol, which i took as a compliment, but i was thinking, "they wouldn't take me either".  i'll get the hang of it, i don't want to be the one that feels like he ruins anything 'cause people make me nervous.  they shouldn't, it's all me mostly and what i think.  somehow i think they won't or don't like me, and they don't even know me.  i guess i shouldn't care what anyone else thinks, i try, i'm getting there.  slowly, baby steps, lol.  i'll break away from it somehow.  changes always take time.  and i'm damn slow at everything.  i like being more open, it just takes some getting used to.